Waaaaaaquin Phoenix is on crack

K, I don't know what's going on with this guy. First he announces that he's retiring from acting, then grows a beard, then shows up on the red carpet with "BYE-GOOD" written on his knuckles, now he announces he wants a music career? Come on waaaaa. OH and Casey Affleck(loser) is making a documentary on him pursuing a music career. Sounds like the next Fahrenheit 9/11.

 

You can just look at this hot mess of a human and automatically feel violated. He is on so many drugs I think Amy Winehouse looked at him and said "Bugguh! Yuh need some 'elp". That's an official quote.

K, so i just felt like writing about this yucky, moldy, skeezy, gross, drugged out, scary, sketchy, fucked up man.

Who wants to start a countdown till he has a room at Promises Rehabilitation Center?

On a serious note, let's not let what happened to his brother River happen to him.

alloftheboysandallofthegirlsarebeggingtoifuseekamybye

Nakey Madonna... snoozeeeeee

I don't know why this is considered news.

A nude picture taken of Madonna in 1979 is being auctioned off at Christie's. Who cares? Isn't there a supposed porno out of her? She fucking posed naked on the highway for her Sex book. Naked Madonna is not something that makes me look twice. Chica has done far more questionable things.

I'm more interested over the fact that she worked at Dunkin Donuts in Times Square than this silly story.

In other Madonna News, I had sex with Guy Ritchie last night.

madonna'sonlygot4minutestosavetheworldouch.

Sasha Thunder Thighs can't keep the zipper on her mouth closed.

First Beyonce offers to sing at the inauguration THEN they actually fucking select her. Now Lady Cellulite has revealed what she'll be performing at the inaugural ball. Bitch will be singing "At Last" for Barack and Michelle's first dance as the President and First Lady.

Wouldn't an element of surprise make it so much more Sasha Fierce? If girlfriends gonna be riffing the shit out of an Etta James classic, just like she did in Cadillac Records, she better be wearing her metal glove or some crazy ass outfit. I'm thinking tinfoil and candlewax would look exquisite on her. Fuck that, nothing will ever make her hips/thighs/tushie look human.

Whatever, I'm sure she'll be praised for being amazing blablabla. I'll praise her if she pops out a titty ala Janet Jackson.

peacelovemichelleobama.

Do you really want to hurt me? YES.

K, so Boy George has finally been sentenced to Jail Time for chaining up and beating up a male prostitute. Like we all haven't been there? K, maybe it's just me, Kait and Tim.

Ok, so the old fat queen is sentenced to 15 months in prison. Um, hello this is not punishment for him, he'll obvs love being fucked by all those horny prison men. He's obvs into pain and shit. He should be sentenced to 15 months of being Paula Abdul's personal assistant. If you watched her critically acclaimed reality show, you know that shit is PUNISHMENT.

So in protest of this shit I recruit you all to blast "Karma-chameleon" and chain up your prostitutes.

karmakarmakarmakarmakarmachameleonyacomeandgo

Kimora Lee Preggers

More Kimora news! Kimora and boyfriend/fiance/whatever Djimon Hounsou just announced that girlfriend is knocked up. This new baby better know that Ming and Aoki are the head bitches in charge because I know they won't be having anyone fuck up their status. They run that shit.

Maybe now E! will wise up and give Ms. Simmons another chance at a series.

If Kimora couldn't get her body back after the first 2 lil' ladies, I'm sure she'll be getting some lipo after giving birth to this new addition.

Once again, I need to hear Kimora bitch about her muffin tops and such.

PLEASE RENEW KIMORA!!!!!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

E! has cancelled my life. They might as well go ahead and throw some lava on me. Kimora: Life in the Fab Lane has been cancelled. CANCELLED. I can hear your gasps from my basement. Who the fuck do they think they are? That shit was the most intelligent and endearing program I have ever seen, even more than The Game on the CW. 

How dare they? I hope Kimora storms into Chelsea Handler's boyfriend's office and takes a huge dump on his desk with a note that says "Loved working with you -Kimora".

I'm seriously fuming. How will I survive without Ming Lee and Aoki Lee bossing around Kimora's staff?? How will I survive without Kimora's reasonable breakdowns?? I'll have to go on Zoloft to get through this shit.

I'm devastated. DEVASTATED.

theybetternotcancellivinglohan.

OMGZZZ YOU GUYZZ PARIS LOST HER DIGI CAM!!

Paris Hilton lost her camera. Why is this news you may ask? It was filled with hundreds of personal photos from her lil' journey to Australia over xmas. I'm just a loser

What else can this bitch do? We know she has herpes, we know that she sucked Rick Saloman's cock, we know that she takes ecstacy, we've seen her pussaysay on many occasions. I don't think she can do much more that would shock us.

Maybe her and Onch can come out with a sequel to 2 girls 1 cup. I don't even know if that masterpiece would shock me. Even though, I'm still pretty haunted by those naked pics of Onch that surfaced a month ago.

Why doesn't Paris hang out with Jodie Sweetin? They would be the new Oprah and Gayle!

don'tmakeoutwithparisunlessyouhavevaltrexhandy.

YOU GET SOME CRACK! YOU GET SOME CRACK! YOU GET SOME CRACK!

So The National Enquirer is reporting that Oprah used to go on sex and crack binges. Do I call bullshit on this one? I don't know. Opie has some skeletons in her closet and I don't just mean the Big Macs she stores under her bed when she's hungry. Remember when she confessed to giving birth to a baby when she was 14 a couple of years ago? I do, it rocked my world and I didn't know up from down. 

Could it be true? Could Oprah have done this? Seeing as Oprah is more powerful than the big fag upstairs, she could just go back in time and erase that shit.

I wonder if Opie will pull a Tyty and address that shit. She can have Jodie Sweetin on the show and talk about the dangers of Drugs! Can't wait!

whateveroprahandgaylearebigmos 

You can now rest easy.

Stephanie Tanner is clean and sober. Hallelujah! I mean I know that I was unable to sleep while she was using.

If you didn't know, you probably didn't, she was a meth addict and lost custody of her child blablablabla. The only time I care about Jodie Sweetin is when I'm watching a rerun of Full House on ABC Family.

I don't even think this bitch was actually using, I think it was just her only way to get back into the news. I mean I give her kudos for that, she's got me talking about her has-been or never was-been ass.

I'm counting down the days till she releases a sex tape with the guy who played Cody on Step by Step. That shit will be hot.

ohjodiehowwude!

Jenny, I'm not fooled by the rocks that ya got.

No, I'm not talk about my friend Jen Lesser with a big ass, I mean miss Lopez.

Bitch gave a sad excuse as to why she wasn't wearing her wedding ring, "Every time I'm not wearing my ring, people think I'm getting divorced. That's crazy! It just didn't go with the dress". Shut the fuck up and admit that ya didn't like it when he put a ring on it.

Whatever, J-Lo is the Elizabeth Taylor of our time. She'll get married about 8907 more times and then just have a gay best friend to shoot the shit with. Love ya Jenny, but stop giving these sad excuses.

BTW Jenny, next time ya wanna wear a skankalicious dress like that make sure to wear spanx because those muffin tops are atrosh.

loveyourwobblybitsjenny

Sasha Fierce to Barack our world.

Beyonce obvs had to get her huge fucking thighs into this shit. I'm not sure if we'll be hearing "Single Ladies", but homegirl will be performing at Obama's Inauguration next week. I can just feel her being like, "This one goes out to you Mr. Bush" then go and perform "Listen" from Dreamgirls. Wouldn't that be just magical? I'm getting excited just in anticipation of her cellulite bouncing around in DC.

Bono, Sheryl Crow, Garth Brooks, James Taylor, Bruce Springsteen, Josh Groban and Usher will also be jumping on the bandwagon. I think Bruce Springsteen is still hot after the 300 years he's been around, so I'm fine with that shit. I could really care less about the others. Actually I'm a big fan of Sheryl Crow and her wannabe lesbian-rock music. Oh and I love me some Bono.

I want everyone to cross their fingers and hope that B wears her freakum dress.

ki'mgonnagobacktowatchinggoldengirls

Miu Miu Mix please deliver

Katie Holmes thinks she is a legit star. She thinks since she married a high profile closet queen that she is now queen of the world. Being the spokeswhore for Miu Miu's Spring 2009 campaign is not helping either.

While I do think her campaign is gorgeous, it make me think. This is the bitch who couldn't convincingly deliver a single line until the fourth season of Dawson's Creek. She got so-so reviews for All My Sons on broadway. This bitch turned down The Dark Knight to do Mad Money. She frustrates me.

I do want to steal Suri though. Not just because she's cute, but because she needs a fucking jacket.

eff you see kay me

 It's been confirmed that Britney Spears' third single off Circus will be "If U Seek Amy". What a lovely track off of a lovely album. I mean the song makes no sense, the verses talk about how she's looking for this Amy chick but then in chorus she talks about how hot she is, herself, and "All of the boys and all of the girls are begging to if you seek Amy.".

Well the fucking bible clutching FCC does not find this appropriate, so they anre encouraging radio stations to edit the song to say "If U See Amy", therefore taking away the sexual connotation. 

I could care less if little kids are singing this song because no matter what they will hear the unedited version, much like i heard the unedited version of "How Many Licks" by Lil' Kim when I was 9 or 10 years old.

Yeah, so I really hope to hear 7 year old girls singing "F-U-C-K Me!" and maybe for her next album she can just title it: Rimjob. I mean I know a buncha fags would buy that shit.

loveyabritbrit

Kim Zolciak is my homegirl

It most certainly is a magical day. Today is a day that I will never forget. Today is the day that Kim Zolciak of The Real Housewives of Atlanta accepted my friend request on facebook. It's things like these that make me realize that there is beauty in the world.

She is not only my favorite housewife ever(Gretchen from Orange County is a close second) but she is an extremely talented singer. She is the best. Nothing and no one can touch her. Not even NeNe.

And speaking of NeNe she should shut the fuck about how Kim has a wig because I don't a sister that has NeNe's not kinked hair.

Whatever NeNe lost her house, Kim is dating a Billionaire.

Here's my hero Kim singing. After listening you will know why I will be first in line to buy her album:

3 japanese bitches teaching english.

One my friends showed me this video this weekend and I've been glued to this youtube video ever since.

I want to be really gay and learn their Martha Grahm inspired dances. These three bitches are the hottest ones I know. They are even hotter than that bitch who falls off her coffee table.

If you are Japanese, I would like to know if you utilized these videos to learn such english phrases as: "How dare you such a thing to me?", "I can't stand the sight of you", "You must be tired from your long flight", "He gives his sincere regards" and so on.

These bitches are hotter than BoA, Nelly Yuki and Lily Doo ever will be. Brilliant.

I hate you Taylor.

Ok so Taylor Swift has been at the top of the Top 200 albums for like 238923794072 weeks now. Get her fug face off that shit. 

Go buy Britney's Circus or Lady GaGa's The Fame.

Fucking Taylor Swift. YUCK.

Oh, Will Ferrell

As some of you know, Will Ferrell is soon opening his show "You're Welcome America: A Final Night with George W. Bush" on Broadway. Maybe some of you have seen the ads(I did last night when I was watching mah girl Rachel Maddow last night). Well tons of people have said that they are truly offended by the ads. WTF? Doesn't Bush have like a .004% approval rating?

So because all of these losers cried to the tv execs, the ad has been axed.

GAY.

J-Lo and Marc Anthony cockslap eachother.

K, so I call bullshit on this one.

Allegedly the Anthony's are physically fighting. Until I see Jennifer Lopez breaking down on Oprah like her character in Enough I will not believe this shit. J-Lo is a Puerto Rican mami from the South Bronx, those bitches don't stand for that shit. They call the lawyers and get their kids the fuck out and spend the night at Abuelita's house.

So yeah, bullshit.

In other news about these Long Island-ers, Leah Remini wants them to become Scientologists.

don'tbefooledbytherocksthatigotbye.

GG spinoff confirmed.

K, so there's been rumors flying for months now that there will be Gossip Girl spinoff centering on Rufus and Lily's initial affair in the 80s.

Now it's been confirmed that there will indeed be such a show.

How do I feel about this? Eh. I think the guy who plays rufus is GORGEOUS, so as long as they find younger hot version of Rufus then I'm down.

I would prefer a spinoff with Nelly Yuki as it's star. That bitch is hot.

Leona Eauis

What the fuck is up with all these celebrities and making fucking perfume? Like I really want to smell like Alan Cumming.

Well now add Leona Lewis to list of bitches who are hawking their own farts. New reports say that Leona will be coming out with her own spritz along with a vegan clothing line.

Shouldn't she wait till at least her third album to do that? Yes.

loveyouleonaanyway.

Here's the commercial for Alan Cumming's frangrance. It's the shit.

Shenae Grimy is a is a a diva.

I want to know who actually watches the new 90210 shit? I watched the first 2 episodes and I was over it. Brenda never fights with anyone and Kelly has a kid. Kelly was raped, that's when they should've gotten her pregnant.

Whatever, so rumors are flying that the new 90210's star, Shenae Grimes, is a huge mofuckin' diva. 

I'm sending out a huge "WTF?" because no one watches that shit anymore. I looked up the ratings for the past like 10 episodes and they hardly have 1 million viewers.

Anyway, I've hated Shenae since she first appeared as Darcy on Degrassi: The Next Generation. Darcy initially was the Anita Bryant on Degrassi and I couldn't take that shit. She was a member of that christian club where they all talked about how they won't have sex bla, bla, blaaaa.

Whatever. So this goes out to you Ms. Grimes, get the cock outya mouth and stop being a diva. Oh and lay off the concealer.

watchgossipgirlinstead.

Johnny Depp ready to fuck like married people? ugh.

According to HollywoodRag Johnny Depp is going to marry his baby mama(she's the bitch with the gross teeth that Depp always takes places). 

First they have 2 kids together and now they wanna get married? Put my cock in a microwave, why don't you!

I'm fucking pissed. Now I have even less of chance to play with Johnny Depp's naughty bits. What does he see in her? Does he enjoy putting his cock inbetween Vanessa Paradis's teeth? Like wtf? I hate my life a lot.

i'dstilldohimbye.

BAFTAblababla

So today the BAFTA nominations came out. For all of you who have no idea what I'm talking about, they are the British equivalent of the Oscars.

Well I'm pretty happy because I'm over Anne Hathaway being nominated for Rachel Getting Married. Lady was fucking Princess Mia in The Princess Diaries. People like that shouldn't win awards. They should just eat Hostess snacks and not do "serious" roles.

That Benjamin Button crap got 11 nominations as did Slumdog Millionaire. I'm over all the supposed buzz surrounding those films. One's about a guy who ages backwards and one is about a guy who wants to answer to Regis Philbin. GAY.

My faggot ass saw both those films and loved them. I'm just being a caddy cockface.

For the complete list of nominations click here.

Sex and The Britney? I think not.

According to BreatheHeavy.com there are rumors flying that Sarah Jessica Parker wants Britney Spears to star in the Sex and The City sequel... Seriously? Have she seen the masterpiece that is Crossroads? I mean personally I thought that film was seriously snubbed at the Golden Globes. Who could forget Taryn Mannings pivotal scene when she falls down the stairs inadvertently killing her baby? I know I didn't. I also a know a bunch of bitches who used that technique to get rid of a lil' accident on prom night.

Anyway, I think this is total bullshit. Brit's got too much shit to do like go to Starbucks and cry when getting into her car. 

In other Britney News, I have shitty seats for her show at Nassau Coliseum.

whateverilovebritregardless

Ann Coulter

She's a huge cunt.

BoA is my favorite asian ever.

Okay, she isn't my favorite ever. Lily Doo from my high school is my favorite. She wouldn't talk at all, but she was the most amazing bitch ever. loveher.

So, I first heard about BoA in like september and I became obsessed. Well with one of her songs because most of her shit was in Korean and I'm not one for subtitles. "Eat You Up" is the best shit to hit the airwaves since "Nobody's Perfect" by Shmannah Montana.

The only video that I'm allowed to post is this shitty quality one because the bitches at Universal Group have copyright issues.

Winehouse still on vaca? DOCRACKNOW.

I'm fucking pissed. I miss reading about and seeing pictures of Amy Winehouse wearing close to nothing(ala GaGa) and roaming the streets of London for McDonalds and crack. If bitch gets sober it will break my heart. She's rock and roll. By rock and roll I mean she snorts, eats and drinks anything that will give her anything close to a minor buzz.

She's been on vacation in St. Lucia for some time and she's reportedly doing yoga, bathing nude and not sporting her bird's nest of hair piece. Amy, I'm upset with you. You should be getting your excercise running through the streets of London screaming "MAH BLAAKEE!!! MAH BLAAKE INCARCUHRATEDD!! Blimey, is that a french fry?".

There is some sign of hope... She's allegedly stealing drinks and shit from other visitors at the hotel she's staying at. Now that's the Winobaby we all know and love! 

peacelovenorehab.

Lesbonic Lohan

I am so fucking over this whole Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson thing. Shut the fuck up. We get it, you press play on your itunes while Lindsay Lohan fucks you from behind with a strap on.

There's rumors flying that Lohan and Ronson are breaking up/broken

 up/fighting/beating/having threeways with Kirstie Alley and I can't stand it. Actually I can st

and it because I will continue to talk about it and all that jazz.

If Lohan really is a lez I really would like her to change into a full blown bull-dyke. I mean a mullet sporting, flanel wearing, home depot card holding, doc marten wearing LESBO.

Love em', hate 'em, it's all good.

Oh and I've hated Lohan since I'm 8 years old, because her cousins live

 

on my street and they once had a party (OBVS LINDS WAS THERE) and that fucking 12 year old cunt wouldn't come out of the house because she was scared of the kids on my block. Suck my dick you little cokebooger. 

loveyouanyway.

GaGa is fucking CooCoo.

 I fucking love Lady GaGa but how does homegirl not get sick? She's fucking parading around all over in nothing but panties, a bra, a suit jacket and pumps. Newsflash, it's the dead of winter.

Whatever, I'm all for a gimmick and this bitch got one.

Her CD, The Fame, is currently in stores and her first single "Just Dance" is the #1 song in the county. The Fame is probably the dance album to come out this past year. Think of it as this years Blackout.

suckonthat.

shutthefuckupandlisten

So, I've been thinking about making a blog for a while now to show my opinions and news of hot gossip, music, film, theatre, news and all that jazz. 

I'll try to have no inhibitions and just say whatever the fuck i want to and whatever you want to.

Brace yourselves cunts.